!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet, I’m back into Ice Breakers chewing gum!

Have these been around this whole time? I stopped noticing them years ago; maybe I didn’t want to be the one child left behind during the formidable flat-pack gum movement. Who cares? My mouth is really fresh right now. It has been at LEAST three minutes. Two more before the “ice” “liquidates” into a puddle I won’t notice until the next commercial break.

Whoa. Maybe everything I want has been right on the candy rack this whole time.

Ha! Not even. Brachs Villa Cherries were discontinued in 2003. Take that, breakthrough.

Yet another. This time with magic! [Ausiello TV on EW.com]

Mark-Paul Gosselaar just fed me a giant cupcake. It’s all been leading up to this.

Happy retirement to me!

This is me. I am an angry smiley.

Ugh, seriously, every time I catch my own image in a computer (constantly, maybe because I’m looking for it…maybe because I am always at a computer) or become suddenly aware of my own skin (medium-rare), I notice my forehead is all scrunched up like I’m REALLY CONCERNED about something. But I’m NOT.

TELL IT TO YOUR FACE, ANNIE.

Actually, that graphic was inaccurate. It ends up looking more like this:

What’s really sad is that just now, before I drew those on, I could feel the lines deepen as I searched desperately for the Photoshop tool that would allow me to draw at all.

I often end up pressing my thumb against the ripply area to “smooth it out,” which is useless and even more unattractive, not to mention disgusting because there was probably food on my finger like five seconds ago.

Ha, Dee is going to email me in two seconds like “Why do you look so angry in your latest photo?”

I DON’T KNOW!

A bunch of losers are complaining that NBC won’t stop airing beach and indoor volleyball all day instead of any of the other 33 worthy events. Sucks to be them! I am in HEAVEN.

Ooh, I like this shot better because Dalhausser’s massive block is hitting BRA in the face:

Dalhausser, nicknamed “The Thin Beast,” calls to mind my 1997 AOL screenname, “Block4aPt.” Yes, that would be a truncated version of the command: “block for a point.” As in “HEY! BARRETT! YOU HAVEN’T DONE A DAMN THING ALL MATCH! BLOCK FOR A MOTHER ****ING POINT ALREADY!” Roughly.

Anyway, he’s my fave. Go team!

SPORTS.

And it’s not myself! I’m as shocked as you are. This here’s a promotional fan for (Norwegian pop star) Annie’s new album. [PopJustice]

I NEED IT.

I wish PEOPLE could choose the people dogs love to eat. I would totally chair that committee.

Because — rhetorical self-absorption alert — the little athlete looks like me (swim-cap-as-bangs phenomenon)! I often shape-shift into a long, sinewy rope of blue frosting. Prove that I don’t!

Watch this Olympics-quality brawl: ‘Ausiello TV’ on EW.com.

In addition to being “such a BLOGGER” (elsewhere, anyway), I am now SUCH A VILLAIN. Here’s how I feel about that:

We used to call my dad the Family Terrorist before terrorism became something you can’t ever refer to out loud. Now I’m following in his giant Dockers-sponsored footsteps as the Office Terrorist. He could not be more proud of his evil spawn. (Unless I was in the WNBA, probably. Wait, no! This is way better.)

Devastating.

WARNING: If you look directly at the (inexplicably grecian) urn containing the ashes of Bennigan’s, the faint, desperate wails of Fleetwood Mac will flood into your ether like bong smoke. But instead of straight-up 1977 Stevie Nicks, it’ll sound like Stevie Nicks trying not to burp up a Southwest Egg Roll in 2008.

And if
You dont love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain

I guess the next Big Ben Chocolate Caramel Brownie Sundae I have will be at the ULTIMATE FOOD COURT IN HEAVEN!

So You Think You Can Dance recap segment [Good Day NY]

I should really start requiring ice cream wherever I go.

AND A WORTHY VIDEO FOR A CHANGE: Rush’s interview and performance on the Colbert Report – their first TV appearance in 30 years. Hilarious. [Hulu]

“DOUBT IT.”

DJ Chesh beamed the above gem to me from the Jewel supermarket in Rogers Park. I NEED THIS LUNCHBOX. How else do you expect me to carry my food?

–Maybe in your bag that’s emblazoned with cartoon snacks?

Maybe. [‘Ausiello TV’ on EW.com]

New favorite fruit alert: BLACKBERRIES.

Look into it!

This just in from the Dept. of the Horrible — the Highlands Middle School Show Choir Orlando Trip of 1995 (HMSSCOT1995) is now living and breathing fresh new viruses onto the Internet. And not even the impressive part of the trip (when we festered in the Days Inn swimming pool for three straight hours and did not die), but rather the one song and dance number for which they let Kara and me take over the front row. WHY would you allow me to be in the front row of ANYTHING? I can’t remember if we bullied the director into that or she just felt sorry for us always being stuck in the back.

Gross.

Watch my new shiz, and if you’re out of your mind and really into American Idol, you should go ahead and watch the entire EW.com Idolatry series. It takes less than six hours and Michael Slezak is a total fox!

‘DWTS Talk’ — Season 6 Awards!
Field-testing the Wii Fit
‘Idolatry’ — Final 3 recap
‘Idolatry’ — David vs. David

Thanks, sis! Meg and Dee went to Art Chicago last week and sent me some digital missives of the complex carbohydrates they thought would really REACH me.

“Heyyyy! Welcome to DR!”

Ugh. I miss Steak ‘n’ Shake.

Life’s eternal questions, embodied just as they should be in Wonka-bar form.

Here’s a still life featuring butter (a.k.a. my life).

These cupcakes actually do look dangerous. Did the icing factory run out of color OR WHAT?

Says Meg: “yes - those balloons are attached to that girls hair… hehe”

Dee Barrett, who was consulted for permission to post these photos merely as a courtesy (because I was going to post them anyway), gave the OK:

NO PROBLEMS HERE.

And in the spirit of indulgence….indulge me and watch these!

May 2, 2008 — ‘DWTS Talk’: Bye bye, Shannequin
May 5, 2008 — ‘Survivor Talk’ cameo! I’m a medic. Of course.

But boy oh boy can I talk or what? So OMG PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH THESE EW.COM VIDEOS. Lots of new ones are up on the most self-centered web page ever — DWTS Talk, Idolatry, and me interviewing cubicle stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy again. He keeps it real, unlike Snuffy.

But…Friend of DR Ben LaBolt has me beat because Katie Couric interviewed HIM. (at 03:25) [CBS.com]

The Chmerkovisionary awards my horrible freestyle rap about sequins and fringe A PERFECT 10. Of course he does!

[DWTS Talk, week 3]

And now for a rare glimpse at what I do all day at the office… EW.com’s ‘America’s Next Top Doll’ video series. WHO! Will be eliminated tonight?