For about six months, I was in iPod-ownership denial. It came free with my computer, so I should have been psyched. Instead I was ambivalent. At once, I felt too cool to be an iPod person, and yet somehow not cool enough. I refused to register for iTunes, I wasn’t a 40-year-old yuppie businessman, and I didn’t wear shiny, futuristic clothing on the subway. Was there a place for me in the iCulture?

Since, as if on principle, I regularly drop expensive electronics, my original iPod only played about 1/3 of my songs after a week. At first I didn't care. But then in a brilliant burst of January productivity (and because the classic rock station in NYC is so horrible) I shipped my banged-up Pod back to Apple. Instead of repairing it, they sent a brand new 10 gig iPod right to my door. As I unpacked it from its delicate foam bedding and held it tenderly in front of me, I had the strange feeling this new iPod was an extension of me, a benevolent comrade that exhibited none of the threatening qualities of the first machine.

I wasn't going to let this one get hurt, so I promptly purchased an outrageously overpriced rubber shield for the new iPod. Not only did I insist on a screeching turquoise, but I had to buy the one called “iSkin,” so I could be sure it would fit perfectly on my particular iProduct.

One month later, I am officially obsessed. I've taken up illegal downloading, an old college habit, and am really enjoying its benefits. My iPod now has such creatively titled playlists as "Jogging," "Studying," and "Hanging Out." ("Wasting the entire day on Friendster" has too many characters.)

The transition from comfortable home iPod use to iPod use in the public sphere can be overwhelming. With an ever-growing iPod clientele and the advent of the even more obnoxious iPod mini, Diminishing Returns has compiled a list of rules for appropriate iPod use in public. Improvisation is encouraged.

The Rules of iTtraction

Don't stare while seated. Using the iPod in any sedentary situation such as the subway is sheer torture. Everyone else in the car hates you and your trademark white earbuds. They stare at you, bitching you out with their eyes. You're such a snob, they're thinking to themselves. Look at you with your hip little iPod. You disgust me.

You stare back, semi-apologetically. I know. I am such a snob. I'm so sorry. Just stop looking at me. I'm not putting it away.

Don't stare while walking, either. In all on-the-go iPod situations, avoiding eye contact with non-iPod people is essential. They think you're annoying, and you have a sinking suspicion that you probably are.

Looking at other iPod people is okay, sometimes. You share a creepy smile of recognition but eventually regret looking in the first place.

iPod User A: (smiles) Look, we both have an iPod.

iPod User B: (fake smiles) Don't look at me. I know we both have iPods. Probably the only thing we have in common.

iPod User A: (looks away, embarrassed) Hers is the newer, thinner model. I'm such a loser.

Don a disguise. To avoid upper crust guilt and scary internal dialogue, try replacing the pristine white earbuds with more traditional, tough-looking headphones. This seems like a lot of effort to avoid looking like a snob, because if you have an iPod you probably look like a snob anyway and the earbuds just aren't helping. Still, it's worth a shot.

Cover up. If you don't have spare headphones, one street-smart tactic is to hide the earbuds under your hair or a winter cap. This works okay, until you look past your neck and notice the bright white cord against your huge black puffy coat. It's such a dead giveaway. People walking by are scorning you for even trying to hide your high-tech toy.

They stroll by with their Walkmans and Discmans, exuding an air of proud disapproval. I don't need an Apple logo to hear tunes. I'm kickin' it old school.

You glare at them. Yeah, yeah. I used to be you. Ha. You know you're jealous.

The next logical step in this progression is to attempt to stuff the cord down your jacket to hide it completely, but clearly this is ill-advised. Any progress you made in trying to look discreet is instantly deleted as you paw awkwardly through your own coat in broad daylight. It's just unnecessary. Everyone knows you have an iPod. Deal with it.

If you get the urge, be obnoxious. Maybe you're not the type of person who cares what other people think. The idea of being discreet about iPod ownership is entirely bogus to you. In fact, you enjoy showing it off.

Sometimes you simply feel like running out in the middle of the street and waving your iPod around in triumph. This is fine; you should be gleeful about your personal music device.

Bonus points if you live in New York City, because not one person will stare at you if you do this.

Copy the cartoons. When possible, you should always try to look like the hip, flexible, and smooth-moving silhouettes in the commercials. Click here to play the latest iPod TV ad. Be sure your sound is on. The basic message of these ads is: Either become black, or learn how to dance. And spend $300 on an iPod.

As you can see, not everyone can look like the ad people. In fact, a tall, silly-looking blonde girl has very little in common with the jivin' ad people. Look at her trying to browse her way through artists and composers while walking down the street. This practice should be outlawed.

In contrast to the spinning silhouette who is lively and light on her feet, the street girl is thumping along at near-zero speed. Whereas the iPod is a natural extension of ad girl's body, the street walker seems to be bewildered at its very presence.

At some point, your iLife will be corrupted by obligatory social interaction. But don't ditch the playlists just yet. Upon extensive research, the following social situations may or may not be conducive to iPod use.

Style in the aisle. It is generally acceptable to jam out with your iPod while food shopping. Unless you're out to meet people, there is no need to look or act friendly while roaming the aisles. Your food shopping playlist should include "Tangerine," "Mean Mr. Mustard," and songs by Cream. Lose the tunes at the register, though. Cashiers hate you anyway, and an iPod makes the sight of you that much worse.

Be iNconsiderate. When out with friends, use your own discretion. If you're toasting someone's birthday, that might be a good time to press pause. But if you don't really like who you're out with and you're mostly there for the prospect of food in a large group setting, then by all means, make the right call.

Some people are so iPod-savvy that they can halfheartedly participate in conversations during iPod use. Their friends will ask them an opinion on something and they can just nod along to the beat and dupe everyone. Advanced users can hold the iPod near shoulder level, so it can be used for hand gestures.

Depending on how engaging the person is without his iPod, this could be a win-win for everyone.

One's a crowd. Bar stool iPodding is a good choice if you have no one to go out with or suddenly crave your own tunes while out with friends. This might even improve your chances with the hot number across the room. Nothing says "Come talk to me" like a snobby look, an iPod, and an imported beer.

You'll essentially be out on a date with your iPod, so the least you can do is match your outfits. Be sure to wear a necklace or bandana that precisely matches your iSkin so that the ensemble is complete.

That's not okay. In some situations, there is a fine line between okay and inappropriate when dealing with public iPod use.

At work, enjoying your tunes at your own desk is badass, but better not to sport the white earbuds during important meetings.

iPods should not be used during weddings and funerals or, more generally, in any sort of religious setting. God obviously digs the iPod's sleek design, but your choice of tunes might offend Her.

Bang and blame. iPod use during sex is a toss-up. The foreplay stage might be exciting due to each party's individualized playlist. But if things get more serious, a rhythmic disaster could occur. One has Beastie Boys, the other's got Enya. It's just not going to work. Consider removing the buds (or syncing the two playlists) for those more special moments.

The mystique of the iPod culture continues to intrigue many and disgust even more. If you have one, you feel guilty and if you don't, you're jealous. Both parties think they are better than the other.

It seems wrong to assume that the iPod is a legitimate status symbol and a fairly accurate reflection of one's general worth as a human being. But let's be honest: It is. Have you seen some of those tragic MP3 players out there? One is even called the "Rio." What's with the capitalized first letter?

Face it. iPod is better. You're only embarrassed to carry it around because you're modest. And you're only modest because, well, you're better. Now go iMbarrass yourself in the street.

© 2004 Annie Barrett and Diminishing Returns.

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