Bearly There

No, that's not a black cape she's wearing! Meet Bearly There, a skinny little fucking ho of a bear. She wears nothing on her belly because, well, there's nothing in it. She poises her finger coyly at her mouth as if to say, "Oops, I forgot to eat this week!"

Mission: To be thinner than you.

Special Features: Jutting out hipbones, calorie counter, Terror Bears Self Loather® spiky-surfaced scale, smelling salts.

Friends: Bearly Average, Low-Carb Beer Bear, Bear Naked Lady, Belly Bear (to boost self-esteem), Bear Gone Wild, Ally McBear.

Customer Feedback: "I think Bearly There is beautiful! Her head and feet are kind of fat, but it's okay because we're going on a diet together."
--Shannon, age 10

Price: $1.99. (bearly anything)